26 - Music? Like Hell it Is! (Inferno's soundtrack)

Sounds and images in Varese's composition

Varese's Poeme Electronique

There is no music in Dante's Hell. But hymns are sung very often in Purgatory and Paradiso. In Medieval times the church wanted to ban all music because it considered it a legacy from savage Roman times. Even Gregorian music was invented in the Frankish court around the year 800, and it was attributed to Pope Gregory, who had lived 200 years earlier, so the name of  the saint would give it prestige). But Dante took the opposite view to that of the church: music belongs to the heavens, and the lack of music in the Inferno seems a further punishment for the damned.

However, it is certainly possible to introduce into Hell music that would be excruciatingly torturous for any soul. I am taking a class in Music Appreciation at DVC, and this week, by coincidence, we are listening to atonal classical music. It dates from WWI and it consists of screeching violins and flutes, with no harmony or melody, occasionally accompanying a skinned-cat soprano screaming things like “The moon! The sick, sick moon!” in German.

The pieces are “Pierrot Lunaire” by Schoenberg, and “Wozzeck” by Berg. However, this music might not work as a punishment: it might just drive the souls insane, thus making them oblivious to any suffering. Varese's “Poeme Electronique” might be a more useful choice: amidst the instrumental screeching it incorporates sounds by whales, which would instruct the damned on modern zoology, and firetruck sirens, which would inspire the damned to call 911 in case anything catches on fire.

I wanted to suggest these compositions as a soundtrack for Hell, but I soon identified two problems, one real and one imaginary. The real problem is that our professor threatened to play in class some of the music we selected. What if he chooses these atonal pieces? I don't know if I can attend the lecture while wearing earplugs.

The imaginary problem is even more serious. What if Christ, knowing that atonal music was being played in Hell, refused to set foot in there? The Harrowing of Hell would never take place, and biblical patriarchs like Abraham, who was prepared to murder his child as a sacrifice to God, would never be carried up to Heaven, where such pious people obviously belong.

In order to make the Harrowing of Hell possible, Jesus could be provided with an iPod with its own music. My selection of music for Jesus' iPod would be the Medieval “Alle Psallite cum Luya” (“Let's all sing alle with luya,” whatever that means) and a Renaissance love song by the monk Conrad Paumann, “With all my Heart.” They are my favorite songs, and they are religiously appropriate.

Alle Psallite cum Luya

Not all souls in Hell would be subjected to atonal music. The Greek and Roman sages in Limbo would hear the Greek song of Seikilos, the oldest music we have in writing and the most beautiful ever. As to the rest of the upper regions of Hell, I would do my own Harrowing and get everyone out, leaving the hoarders and the squanderers, who were harmful to people, to listen to “1999” by Prince, the most annoying pop song ever written. 

Finally, I would release Judah, Brutus, and Cassius from the mouth of Satan, and I would put in their place the three, forever atoning, atonal composers, Schoenberg, Berg, and Varese (head first, in case they tried to sing).